Wolfwood & Legato's Christmas Talk Show
by Nick's Derringer Girl
Summary: Wolfwood and Legato host a show with everything from re-decorating skills to musical guests! The show is mainly centered around all things Christmas.
1. Reload Your Guns

Disclaimer:

NDG: idontowntrigun

DK: Louder.

NDG: I DON"T OWN TRIGUN or Jingle Bells!!! There... y'happy?

DK: Yes. Very.

Note from the masterminds (nftm): Hiyas! I'm going to try something a little different here.

Who's talking:

Wolfwood

Legato

Director

Guest: Knives

What's going on

Oh... and sing the song fast... it sounds better that way!

Soooooooo... let's get started with the first episode of _The Christmas Talk Show_ !

There's a circular shaped room. It's bare excepet for two recliners, and a glass table.

On one of the walls there are two doors marked 'HOST'. Wolfwood comes out of one door, and Legato the other.

Hey, everyone! What's up! I'm Nicholas D. Wolfwood, and I'm the host of this show.

You mean WE are the CO-hosts of this show.

Pay him no mind he's crazy.

No, I'm Legato.

Anyways! On today's show we're going to have a special musical guest that Legato CAREFULLY SELECTED, if he didn't want to be fired, that is.

Yes that's correct! Today we're going to have Master Knives sing us a little song! He made it up just for us!

I'm sure that everyone's very excited.

Cut the sarcasm!

Yes director! Okay everyone, please give a cold

WARM!

As I was saying, please give a COLD welcome to Millions Shithead!

KNIVES!

That's what I said!

Knives walks out of a door marked 'GUEST'. The crowd cheers.

Hello dispicable spiders!

The studio crowd stops cheering.

Kind viewers! He means kind viewers!

No, I don't, I really don't.

Yes, deep down I'm SURE you do!

Umm...

Master! Why don't you sing them all your song!

For once you came up with a good idea Legato. I'm very proud of you!

Thank you Master! I'll try and do it more often.

Legato bows to Knives. Wolfwood and the studio crowd looked VERY disturbed. Knives clears his throat and begins to sing to the tune of Jingle Bells:

_Reload your guns,_

_Vashu runs_,

_Monev's almost dead._

_Wolfwood got lost_

_on a bus,_

_Legato's arm's not his._

_BOOM!_

_Reload your guns,_

_Vashu runs_,

_Monev's almost dead._

_Wolfwood got lost_

_on a bus,_

_Legato's arm's not his._

_BOOM!_

_Dashing through the sands,_

_on a crippeled tomas,_

_all the isles we go smashing into steamers._

_E.G. Mine fell off,_

_and his spikes got tarnished._

_Rush back to the complex now,_

_before the badlads shoot us._

_BOOM!_

_Reload your guns,_

_Vashu runs_,

_Monev's almost dead._

_Wolfwood got lost_

_on a bus,_

_Legato's arm's not his._

_BOOM!_

_Reload your guns,_

_Vashu runs_,

_Monev's almost dead._

_Wolfwood got lost_

_on a bus,_

_Legato's arm's not his._

_BOOM!_

The song ends and Knives takes a bow. The studio crowd is so shocked that they actually clap.

That was just wrong on so many levels.

No, Master! Don't listen to him! I thought that it was really good!

Thank you.

Knives leaves abruptly.

Well, that's all that we have for today! Tune in next time for our CAREFULLY PLANNED musical guest! Which I will pick out this time!

The studio crowd goes wild as Wolfwood and Legato go into the two doors marked 'HOST'.

nftm: sooooo... wadja think! We'll be back soon!

Owari


	2. Rap Battle

nftp: Hiyas! Me 'n DK are back!!! WooOoOoO!!! Annnnnnnddd... 'cause SuperchickandtheGroovyAnimals asked sooo nicely... we're havin Vash sing somethin!

Disclaimer:

NDG: iownit!

DK: Huh?

NDG: iownit!

DK: No... you don't.

NDG: Fine, you win! sucks in a deep breath I don't own Trigun or any of it's characters either... How sad! T-T

ALSO! Don't own: (1) When the Music Stops

(2) Frost the Snowman

People:

Wolfwood

Legato

Director

Studio Crowd

Guest(s): Vash & Midvalley

We see a circular room with big windows. In the room are two collapsible chairs with names on them. The one on the left reads: Legato, and the one on the right: Wolfwood, between the chairs is a glass coffee table. There are also three doors. The single door on the left of the room reads: GUEST, and there is a question mark under it. And the two other ones on the right side of the room read: CO-HOST and: KO-HOST. A man with blue hair and a torture device walks out of the cohost one and a man in a navy suit walks out of the knockout host one. They go and sit in their respectable chairs.

Hello everyone! Welcome to our second broadcast! I'm Nicholas D. Wolfwood.

AND! I'm Legato Bluseummers!

Nick, I was wondering...

What?

Um, nevermind.

No, what, this oughta be good!

Fine! What is your middle name?

ER, I'd rather not.

Why?

Because!

C'mon tell us, we're waiting, we're ALL waiting.

dokonokuminomonjawaresumakinishiteshizumentarokakora

Don't mumble. It's not polite.

Like you give a shit about what is and isn't polite!

That's not very nice, now is it! Now, LOUDER!

Dokonokuminomonjawaresumakinishiteshizumentarokakora. There! Ya happy, ya asshole!

Very.

Well, ANYWAYS. On with the show. Today our special guest is going to be Midv-

Someone runs on stage handing him a cue card.

Um... change of plans Midvalley couldn't make it today, so instead we're having Vash the Stampede! AKA: The Humanoid Typhoon!

The crowd begins going absolutely nuts and completely hysterical while Legato pouts

because they didn't act this way for Knives. Awww, how sad! No, seriously, NDG means

it, but I don't Hahahah!

Hi everyone!

The crowd goes into fangirl mode.

Hey, Tongari!

Hi, guys.

I thought I killed you, you worthless piece of trash.

Ummmmmmm...

O-K! Moving on! So, Vash, what are you going to sing us?

Oh, just a little song tha-

No, WaIt, gasp gasp wheeze I'm pant hack cough HeRe!

Midvalley ran in panting, wheezing, and of course, carrying Sylvia.

OoOoOo!!! Showdown! CLAP

As Legato said thid the stage magically transformed into an arena. Wolfwood was wearing a referee's outfit, and Vash, and Midvalley had on 'gangsta ' outfits, and were holding microphones.

Yo, yo, lez go yo!

Fine.

_Wone, tow, thra, youse start!_

Midvalley begins to sing:

_If I were to die,_

_murdered_ _in cold blood tomorrow,_

_wouldja feel sorry,_

_would it matta._

_Could neva be the leader of batter,_

_everythang_s _shit for me to feed off_,

_but its way too far in dis game to turn 'round 'n walk away 'n not say wat you got to say._

_What da hell you take me for a joke,_

_you smoke 'n crack,_

'_fore I do that I beg someone to take me back._

_I git up,_

'_fore I git down,_

_run myself in da ground._

_B'fore I pull some wack shit out._

_I'm gonna smack dis one out da-_

Midvalley was cut short at the sound of:

_Frosty the snowman,_

_was a happy, jolly soul,_

_with a corn-pop pipe, and a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal!_

_Oh, there must've been some magic in that old silk hat they found,_

'_cause when they put it on his head he... began........ to ...... turn .. around?_

Vash quietly stopped when everyone looked at him all weird, because after all... it _is _a rap battle, ain't it?

Just then, everything magically turned back to normal.

Well, Needle-Noggin, you sure as hell messed up again.

It was quite entertaining.

Shut up Legato.

Well, putrid humans, that concludes our show for now.

Tune in next time, NICE, PRETTY, NON-PUTRID HUMANS, AND ... OTHER BEINGS.

Goodbye for Now!

Oh, enough out of you already.

nftp: sooooooooo, waddya think?

It's actually a play on words. The term KO usually stands for knock-out. At first I was going to just say that he can't spell very well, but then I changed my mind. It has a sort of a double meaning.

Wolfwood's supposoed middle name. I got it off of a site called Wolfwood Smoking Man.

What Wolfwood sometimes calls Vash.

An Episode. Vash is supposed to be saying that, and Legato, the phrase under it.


	3. voiceovers part 1

nftp:

Disclaimer: 8dream sequence8

NDG: Konichiwa, Nightow-sama 8bow8

YN: Konichiwa, NDG-san, noh DK-san. 8bow...?!?!8

NDG: Arigato! You're the coolest!

DK: 8fwack8 Baka! 8fwack8 Tongari!

NDG: 8wakes up8 Ah haiyo!

DK: Finish the story!

NDG: Fine! 8cough coughjerko8 cough hackjerkocough cough> YOU SHOULD TYPE ONCE IN A WHILE TOO! >

DK: o.O ' We don't own Trigun or The Twelve Days of Christmas.

Cast:

Wolfwood

Legato

Midvalley

Director

New Director: Zazie

Guest: ----------

Studio Audence

We see a circullar shaped room with large windows. On the left side of the windows is a door marked: GUEST. Also, there is a makeshift door (made from a piece of fabric and a hole in thye wall) marked D. On the left side of the windows there are two doors, and a makeshift one. The doors are marked: KO-Host, and CO-HOST. It looks as if those things were written on in marker. The makeshift door reads: MIDVALLEY & SYLVIA.

Finally, the people walk out of their respective doors, and go and sit down on plush chairs thea surround a glass coffee table.

Welcome to today's show! I'm Nicholas D. Wolfwood -

I'm Midvalley -

And I'm Legato.

CUT! CUT! CUT!

A little boy screams as he walks out of the door marked: D.

Get out, Beast! 8_tonk!8_

Midvalley had just wacked 'Beast' with his saxophone.

Sorry, but no. I work here now. I'm the new director.

Whatever happened to the old one?

He... um left.

8very faintly, as if far away8 He THREW me out!

Well, anyways, I'm here now, so listen up. Today there are no special guests, so you're all gonna sing your own little rendition of _The Twelve Days of Christmas'_, 'k? Bye, now! SING!

Zazie storms back off stage.

Um, okay then, let's get started.

Wolfwood and the others began to sing. Try and guess who sings what:

_On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me... a gun and a shiny new bike!_

_On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me... 2 low-carb hotdogs, a gun and a shiny new gun!_

_BIKE!_

_GUN!_

_JUST LET ME SING ALREADY! 8ahem8_

_Woah! Never knew that you actually wanted to..._

_On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me... 3 b-flats, 2 low-carb hotdogs, and a gun and a shiny new bike!_

_On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me... 4 paks of ammo, 3 bg-flats, 2 low-carb hot dogs, and a gun, and a shiny new bike!_

_On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me... 5... new Gung-Ho Guns!... 4 paks of ammo, 3 b-flats, 2 low-carb hot dogs, and a gun and a BROKEN DOWN bike!_

_SHINY NEW!_

_WHATEVER! 8ahem8_

_On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me... 6 pink shirts, 5... new Gung-Ho Guns!... 4 paks of ammo, 3 b-flats, 2 low-cxarb hot dogs, and a gun and a shiny new bike!_

_On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me... 7 shoes without laces-_

_7?_

_7._

_Why 7?_

_8sigh8_

_AND A GUN NAND A SHINY NEW BIKE!_

_On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me... 8 bottles of hair gel, seven shoeless laces, 6 white shirts, 5... new Gung-Ho Guns!... 4 paks of ammo, 3 b-flats, 2 low carb hot dogs, and a gunj and a broken down bike._

_8lunge8_

_8grab8 8stop8 No! Wolfwood! No! Just think HAPPY thoughts! HAPPY!_

_I'M... GONNA... KILL... HIM...!_

_voiceover >No one has the right to take the life of another!>_

_SHADDUP!_

_> How rude! >_

_Yeah, well whatever._

_On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me... 9 bottles of wax, 8 bottles of hair gel, 7 shoes without laces... What, you can't tie? Can you even count? Seven dosen't make pairs. You're one short._

_> He can't tie Bwahahahahaha! >_

_Hey! I killed you when I was seven!_

_8Rakeun, Japanese for 'paradise', starts to play8_

_> Oh, yeah! Oops. >_

_8Rakeun shuts off8_

_AND A GUN AND A BROKEN DOWN BIKE!_

_8stare8_

_What?_

_On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me... 10 chess sets, 9 bottles of wax, 8 bottles of hair gel, 7 shoes without laces, 6 NAVY shirts, 5... new Gung-Ho Guns, 4 paks of ammo, 3 b-flats, 2 low-carb hot dogs, and a gun and a shiny new bike._

_On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me... 11 different deaths, 10 chess sets, 9 bottles of wax, 8 bottles of hair gel, 7shoeless laces, 6 WHITE shirts, 5... new Gung-Ho Guns, 4 paks of ammo, 3 b-flats, 2 low-carb hot dogs, and a gun and a broken down bike._

_I'm not gonna let it bother me... NOT GONNA LET IT BOTHER ME!_

_> That's the spirit! >_

_Go away, Tongari._

_> Bye, Preacher Man! >_

_Shaddup._

_What's with all these voiceovers?_

_Who knows._

_8ahem8_

_On the twelveth day of Christmas my true love gave to me... 12 cases for Sylvia, 11 different deaths, 10 chess sets, 9 bottles of wax, 8 bottles of hair gel, 7 shoes without laces, 6 pink shirts, 5... new Gung-Ho Guns, 4 paks of ammo, 3 b-flats, 2 low-carb hot dogs, and a gun and a shiny new bike!_

Zazie storms out of the 'D' door.

You guys are the WORST!

Shut up, little beastling.

Call me that again, and I blow out your brains. Kind of like what you turns to Wolfwood did to me!

Yeah, well, yoiu deserved it.

Zazie begins to walk back off stage.

8whirls around8 Oh, and by the way... did you like all of the voiceovers? They were all of the special guests that wanted to give you na piece of their minds.

So, it WAS you! You little brat! 8chasses Zazie around the stage with a gun. All the while Zazie is cackaling madly.8

> Leave the poor kid alone! You already killed him once! >

stops short Huh!?!?

> So, it's true you really are alive! >

nftp: Hahahahahahahahaha! CLIFF HANGER! Um... yea... anyways... Tune in next time!


	4. voiceovers part 2

nfpt: We'reeeeeee baaaaaaaaack!!!

Disclaimer:

DK: We don't own Trigun.

NDG: Wazzat?

DK: Um... nuttin?

NDG: 'K.

> So, it's true... you are alive! >

8 gack- 8 Mery !?!? Zazie! Why the hell is she on!?!?

Later, losers! Bwahahahaha!

That little brat!

> I didn't believe Knives when he first told me, or Vash. Anyways, you're going to have to come over to get your stuff back, and by the way, how are you all possibly still alive? We saw you dead- all of you. >

I'll let Legato answer that one.

No, Midvalley should.

What!?!? Why me?

'Cause.

Not a very good answer, Nick.

Hey! NOBODY - EVER - CALLS - ME - THAT!!!! UNDERSTAND!?!? OR DO I HAVE TO SHOUT LOUDER!?!?

> Enough with the bickering! Just answer the question already. I have boatloads of work to do. >

8 sucks in a deep breath 8 Knivesbroughtusbacktolife.Butweweren't suppossedtotellanyoneWe'reallback.Allfourteenofus.

> 8 sweatdrop 8 Um... >

Way to spill the beans, Midvalley.

Mastah is going to kill us all again!

> How did he do it? >

No clue whatsover.

> 8 sigh 8 Well, um... bye. >

Goodbye evil one.

Sayonora!

See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!

> 8 twitch 8 What did you just say, Wolfwood? >

Um... nothing.

8 intercom shuts off with a loud 'clicking' noise. 8

nftp: Um... yeah. Well, Goodbye For Now!

Bwahahaha! OWARI

Nick's Derringer Girl & Danger-kun.


	5. CAUTION: Do Not Eat

Disclaimer:

DK: 8 thinking 8 Gotta make this fast... before Gen catches me!

8 footsteps, as if someone is coming down the basement stairs in Jay's house 8

DK: 8 whispering 8 Shit! 8 squeezes eyes shut 8 We don't own Trigun, GTO, Beef Jerky, Up on the Rooftop, Sharpie, or Rave Master.

NDG: Hiyas, Jay!

DK: Um... hi... uh... Gen!

NGD: What's wrong with you?

DK: Um... Nuthin'!

nftp: Okays! So let's recap a little. Zazie is the new director, but only because he threatened to kill the old one. Midvalley has currently joined us. He isn't appearing in this episode, but he will be back, and he will probably be there for a few more episodes... it's all up to you reviewers!

**IMPORTANT: **

**DK: Yes, Nuriko** **Kamajimi, Legato was singing the part about shoeless laces.**

We see a circullar shaped room with large windows. On the left side of the windows is a door marked: GUEST. Also, there is a makeshift door (made from a piece of fabric and a hole in thye wall) marked D. On the left side of the windows there are two doors, and a makeshift one. The doors are marked: KO-Host, and CO-HOST. It looks as if those things were written on in sharpie. The makeshift door reads: MIDVALLEY & SYLVIA. It looks as if it were also written on in sharpie. Two people (sorry, no Middie TT) walk out of their respective doors and sit down.

Welcome back!

Wow, Legato, you seem unusually happy today.

That's because we've got a special, EVIL guest! 8 looks as if he's on a caffeine high 8

Yes, everybody! Today our guest is coming over special from Garage Island-

No, I think that it's Expirement-

You're wrong again! It's Hip Hop Town! 8 eyes sparkle 8

Gee, Legato, never really pinned you as a fan.

Yeah, me either.

Whatever! Well anyways... Please give a warm welcome to SHUDA!

Shoot up?

No, Shuda.

Shoot a?

NO, SHUDA!

Sheez, sorry.

Well, you should be!

> 8 Zazie comes on 8 We're very sorry but Shuda could not make it today. He had to reschedule because he is out getting his stomach pumped. >

WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

> Well, you know those things in beef jerky? The ones that say in big letters: CAUTION: O NOT EAT- SILCA GEL – VERY POISONUS? >

Um... y- yeah. 8 on the verge of tears 8

> Well he wasn't paying attention, and he accidentally ate it, thinking that was beef jerky. >

WHAT?!?!?!? Are you being serious!?!?!?!? NOBODY eats those!

> Yeah, 8 totally unaffected 8 well anyways, his fill in is going to be... well, I'll give you some hints and you all have to guess! How fun for you! >

> Okay! First clue! He's a teacher! >

> Second cule! Holy Forest Academy! >

That's a clue?

> Yeah! Third clue! He has bleached hair! >

KNIVES!

> Um... So sorry, Wolfwood, but... no. > 0.O '

We give up, tell us already!

> Fine! 8 pouts 8 His name is Eikichi Onizuka! >

Onizuka walks out, trips falls, and screams "I'm okay!".

That's a teacher? That totally worthless-looking spider.

Looks like he actually makes school fun.

Onizuka comes over and sits in a chair in the middle of them.

Yo!

Hi!

Hello. So, spider, what are you going to sing?

Spider?

8 sigh 8 Spider, human scum, worthless being... Whatever you wish to call your race.

o.0"

So...

Onizuka.

What are you going to sing.

My Trigun version of 'Up On the Rooftop.'

Onizuka begins to sing:

_Up on the rooftop,_

_tomases fall._

_Blood trickles down like a waterfalll._

_Santa slips and falls in the snow,_

_and you won't be hearing any more 'ho, ho, hos'!_

_Santa's gone,_

_who will know?_

_Santa's gone,_

_who SHOULD know?_

_Until morning when the chilidren find,_

_nothing in their stockings but a big cole mine!_

Th-this man's a teacher!?!?

> Ugh... what horrible lirics! >

Cut the crappy voiceovers!

> Never! Mwu wa hahahaha! >

H-he should join us!

Huh?

COME! JOIN US! BECOME THE THIRTEENTH GUNG-HO GUN!

WTF!?!?!?!? **O****O**

I'M THE THIRTEENTH GUNG-HO GUN!!!!!YOU ASSHOLE! DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO REPLACE ME!!!

Bwa hahahahaha! 8 runs into a wall and knock's himself out 8

Well... um folks... That's all for tonight! Goodnight!

Is that dude okay?

Don't worry about that psycho. He'll unfournately be fine. He's always like that.

OO"

nftp: Well... what d'you think?

Nick's Derringer Girl & Danger-kun

OWARI


	6. THE END

nftp: HIYAS!!! This will be the last broadcast of the Christmas show, sadly enough. Well... it was really fun to write. Me and DK totally enjoyed all of the feedback too.

**IMPORTANTEveryone: We are going to put stuff like 'said', and 'screamed**', **etc. We are finally going to listen. Sorry that we're kinda late, though.**

DISCLAIMER:

NDG: Finally, and for the last time, I'll admit that I don't own Trigun.

DK: Gee, Gen. That's so nice of you.

NDG: 8 mumbling 8 What planet does he live on? He's always telling me that I'm suppossed to do that.

DK: Didju say something?

NDG: Nothing!

We see a circular shaped room. On the left side there a door marked: GUEST. It has a question mark next it. The makeshift door next to it is marked: D. On the right side of the room there are two doors, and a makeshift one. One door is marked: KO-HOST, and the other: CO-HOST. The makeshift one reads: MIDVALLEY & SILVIA.

Just then people walk three people walk out of their respective doors and sit down in cloth chairs set around a glass table.

Hello! Welcome to our last broadcast.cry It's already the last one!8 cries more 8 >Wolfwood

Hahahaha! You can't even get through a sentence without crying!!! >Legato

incredulous How can you laugh at him!!! This is so sad! >Midvalley

Like hell. >Legato

8 runs out 8 CUT! CUT! CUT! This is NOT the end. Y'hear me?!?! We will be having another show set up shortly. >Zazie

REALLY?!?!?!?!?! >All

8 sigh 8 Yes.

nftp: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Iot's short I know, but don't worry. 'Cause it's like Zazie said...

**WE WILL BE BACK!**

**MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!**

**> Nick's Derringer Girl** **Danger-kun >**


End file.
